Boys don't cry.....because only real men can

Plano ko talaga ay ituloy ko yung story about the fateful day at G4, pero the summer camp left an important imprint in me. I'll continue the gala story soon, but this is something that can't wait... Hope the 2 girls whose names start with R can wait a little(langhiya ang tagal na!) bit longer...(wag niyo na kong kulitin sa chatterbox ko!haha)

So, to start, di ko talaga planong sumama sa summer camp kasi sa akin, it was a waste of time and money(900 bucks for 5 days!). I already tried it once, back when i was 12, but i didn't like it. I made up lots of excuses not to go again, claiming that sep was more important...blah blah blah. kaya lang ako siguro sumama ngayon ay kasi sabi ng pinsan ko na gagawin niya akong staff (which means na i don't have to attend all of the activities.....and minsan mas masarap ang pagkain!). Di ko naman planong mag sep this may, so sige, sama na ako. The camp was just after DAYS so medyo dedz pa ako sa pagod.haha On the upside naman, one reason was nakilala ko nga si rovy, and there's some stuff that's going through my head that i needed answers for, answers that i didn't get from days( di dahil wa epek yung days, kundi dahil di ko pa ata sineryoso yung 210)... ikekwento ko na nga yung ibang nangyari, pero yung mga importante lang to keep this entry as short as possible(if you want to know the complete story, call me...)

In total, 3 beses akong umiyak sa SC, each for a different reason...

The first instance was nung Evangelistic night, i think...(sabog pa ako ngayon sa pagod....) The activity started with the usual na really upbeat na praise songs, which means everybody's jumping sa may middle ng session hall. I always liked this part of the worship kasi ang sarap talagang tumalon...haha nagkakahiyaan nga lang nung una... pero then came the solemn songs. Napaisip nga ako na, "Hala, boring na to... corny na... this is all pointless kasi everybody will eventually return sa lumang sarili na makasalanin...basically, WHAT'S THE POINT?" Habang kumakanta ako, without me actually meaning anything, biglang sinabi ni kuya Bri na itaas daw namin yung mga kamay namin. I have this problem kasi na i'm too self-concious....(W8, tinatawag na ako ng mom ko....i'll finish this sa monday na siguro. At last, I'm finally back...something came up last saturday... i'll make a new post after this...) Hiyang hiya akong mag express ng nararamdaman ko when i'm around people... parang may pumupulupot sa leeg ko each time the opportunity arises... But then again, this is summer camp... Nobody would laugh at me if I raise my hands... I just have to overcome the hurdles of self-doubt, shyness, and fear...

And then i release it all...

The fear vanishes as i raise my hands, slowly at first, and as i continue to sing, i notice and realize that nobody's laughing at me... nobody thinks i'm an idiot... And then i start to cry... I cry because of how long i have kept to myself my problems and doubts. I thought i was so strong... but i was only as strong as much as i can show how human i was... the feeling will overwhelm you, it will fill you up. SIKSIK, LIGLIG AT UMAAPAW! Kuya Bri asks us to find a prayer partner, anyone we could find... Nahanap ko si Mark, isang kachurch sa Bayan. He prays for me, for my life, for my problems and for my salvation...thank you mark... And i continue to cry... the tears felt good...Yes, the tears wash away the old me, not fully, but it was a start...

The second time was the most dramatic of the three, because in here, i tell all of my problems... It was a another prayer night... and a pastor talked about having a close friend who encouraged him to share all that troubled him. They would meet regularly, and he had to share EVERYTHING, even to the ones he would not dare say out loud. He could trust him of course... And this helped him overcome a lot of his problem. He then turned to us and told us to find a partner, not just any partner, but an accountability partner. That person, we could entrust our problems and sorrows, and he would be accountable for me. I looked around, and to my surprise... i found Kuya Gemboy. Pareho kaming "problem" children if you might say it, pero he had it tougher for him... He asks me to share first. I tell him about Rovy... of how much she means to me... of how much i care for her... and how much i want to be with her. sabi sa akin ni kuya na astig nga na christian rin sha... na tama nga ang ginagawa ko na intay lang muna... kwinento pa nga niya sa akin yung mga naging experience niya... and about his current girlfriend...na katoliko. Ang ganda dw ng nangyari sa akin.. pero i don't know kung ready ako. Sabi niya, wag daw akong magalala kasi nariyan naman si God, and he'll take care of all of my problems...

then the truth slips out....

Bigla na lang akong napatingin kay kuya gem, at sinabi ko yung di ko pa sinasabi sa iba...(no I'm not gay...) I have this problem, much more serious than the ones before... I have an inferiority problem. This came about when i repeated first year... hirap na hirap ako sa ateneo, pero si totoy, nag honors sa la salle. Di naman ako ganito dati eh, i used to be smart, i used to be better than him... everyone started to focus on him...ako? Natabunan na lang ako... I HATE BEING LEFT OUT! di bale na yung matalino siya... i just had to find a way na ipakita na kaya ko ring magexcel... I tried a lot of stuff, but none worked... then in second year, i tried judo... Here, i could excel... here, i could rise ip, here i could beat totoy... i became team captain... Ang saya! but then he graduated... and i was left in high school. Alam niyo ba kung gano kahirap na mapanood ang isang ka age mo, ka batch mo pa nga dati, na maiwanan ka, dahil sa katangahan mo? Ako oo... yung accomplishments ko, kung ikukumapara mo sa kanila, walang kabuluhan... walang kalabanlaban... ANO AKO KUMPARA SA KANYA?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Sinabi bigla ni kuya gem..." Alam mo ba na sa ating magpipinsan, ikaw ang pinaka mapagmahal? Dun pa lang, talongtalo mo na si totoy..." Then nireassure niya ako sa mga problema ko, i don't have to beat kuya toy... i don't have to be prove na magaling ako... kasi, ipakita ko lang ang puso ko... I outshine everybody...

Then, nag hug kami, tapos, umiiyak kami... ang sarap umiyak... sobrang sarap iiyak ang problema... kasi dun, pinapakita mo na tao ka rin... kailangan mo pa rin ng gagabay sayo... Nag kneel down ako at nag pray... I pressed my forehead to the ground and cried... just cried and prayed... Then with outstretched arms... i sang to Him... I let the tears wash away another part of me... just a little more...

The last instance at summer camp na umiyak ako was the happiest one... parang nung katulad nung umiyak ako after the second day sa Days. It was thursday night, last night na... We were having a BGF or big group fellowship... There was this song... i couldn't remember which one... pero a line came up... I felt that it was trying to tell me something... something important...

"Thank you po, Kuya Jess..."

napa tingala ako, and i cried with tears of joy... umiyak ako kasi, nasiyahan ako sa lahat ng ginawa ni kuya Jess para sa akin this summer... Nagpasalamat ako sa mga nangyari, sa mga naramdaman ko, sa pagkaligtas niya sa akin from myself... and for Rovy. Astig ka talaga... Isinisigaw ko ng pakanta yung song sa lalim ng nararamdaman ko... Ako lang ata yung umiiyak nun... pero i didn't care... This summer camp was special for me... and nobody can take it away from me...

So, the following morning, i texted rovy about yung mga nanyari the previous night... nag reply siya after i took a bath... napaiyak ko daw siya uli... Ang swerte ko talaga sa kanya... Thank you Kuya Jess... The best ka!

So, there you have it... i cried again... and i'll keep on crying kasi nobody can tell me how i should feel...

Summer Camp '05: "not YOUR ORDINARY SUMMER CAMP"

Theme Song(i forgot the title, gawa lang to ni kuya everette)

I thank You for Your love

coz it brings me back to You.

I thank You for Your love

coz it draws me close to You.

I thank You for Your love

coz it leads me to praise You.

I thank You for Your love

coz it makes me sing to You.

Chorus:

Let Your love surround me

and light my way...

Let it shine through me

throughout the day.

Let Your love surround me

and light my way...

Let it shine through me

night and day.