NYAHOOOOOOOOO...........uh.....wag na lang

Well, hello mga pests! Narito nanaman ako with the latest happeninsh nung weekend. I'll make it a point na to write at least twice a week. Nakakarelax kasi magsulat, nawawala tuloy yung lahat ng pent up anger ko over the week haha(tawa ng tawa pa diyan....) Anyhoo, eto na... eto na... ang ASTRO (tununun)......... WEHHHHHH!

First up ay yung FIRST OFFICIAL GIG ng Pineapple Sting sa SHS batch party. Ang...saya...pero nakakahiya nga lang. Ang role ko dun ay maracASS lang, so why nga ba na dapat akong mahiya? Kasi that's my point! Of all the Band members there, ako yung pinaka pointless ata yung ginagawa...haha(di siya nakakatawa) Anyhoo, It wasn't all bad, hehe I did get to meet up with a couple of rachel's friends(si rachel yung backup singer ng group), and one of them seemed really cute...shhh, quiet lang(more on that soon,,,,). BIG problema nga lang nung gig ay yung starting time na sinabi daw ay 6, which became 7, which then became 8. Nag start na siya ng close to 9 so ang tagal naming nagintay para sa mga babaeng yon(SHS is an all girl's school...hmmm) Hawaiian yung theme so yung mga babae ay mga naka beach wear!!!!(enter Haleluiah Chorus)

Yesterday nga pala was fun... Nag hahandle kami sa church ng pre-reg for summer camp yesterday, narun yung ilang mga staff, when all of a sudden sabi nung pinsan ko, "Uy mag bumpcars tayo..." akala ko naang loloko lang, so sabi namin sige ba. biglaan na lang umoo yung ibang mga staff rin. haha Si dave naman umokay pero hahatid lang daw niya yung mom niya pauwi. So nagintay kami... bigla ba namang sumama rin sila aldrin at yung iba pa sa inside out! tapos, dumating pa si jordel, so sama rin yan. 15 ata kami na pumunta sa bahay nila toy tapos nagintay kaming mailabas yung sasakyan. Yung KC na yung dinala namin kasi di kami magkakasya sa starex hehe. Puro mga nakapangbahay lang kami nung papunta kami sa Sta. Lucia(para malapit lang) habang nagpapasahan ng isang litro ng sprite....nuyahahahahahaha! Nagpark kami sa may 4th floor para malapit lang... Ang gugulo namin!!! Ang rami pa ata namaing pinuntahang iba kasi si ate neng may gusto atang bilin. Nung at last nakapunta na kami sa Worlds Of Fun, bili kami agad ng tickets para sa bumpcars. problema nga lang, 10 lang ata yung mga cars kaya na pilitan kaming mag pares. ok lang naman, kasama ko si paolo. Langhiya ang ingay namin sa linya! haha. sa sobrand dami namin, nagpauna pa kami ng ibang tao para lang magkakasama kami.Hiniram ni paolo yung phone ko habang nagmamaneho ako nakakuha ata siya ng 6 na video clips bago kami natapos. Kung nakit aniyo lang kami nun, nakatingin yung mga tao sa amin, siguro mga nagtataka na baka may fieldtrip yung mental hospital or something. Sobrang saya for only 10 pesos, haha. Nung natapos na kami don, mga 7:30 na ata, eh may kanta pa kami sa patay.(choir ako, bass 2. nyek!) Di bale na, wala na akong magagawa dun. Pumila naman kami para sa Horror Train(or Tunnel, nakalimutan ko na...) , na nasiraan ata ng dalawang beses bago pa kami nakasakay... Nung second time, sobrang lapit na namin, pero sinabi daw matatagalan ng konti, so bumili muna kami ni ate ruth ng ice cream sa labas. Sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, dalawang flavors lang ang malapit sa puso ko, vanilla and bubblegum. Since feeling cheap ako nung araw na yun, pumunta na lang kami sa pinakamalapit na Snowpy. Dyahe nga lang walang vanilla, and obviusly walang bubblegum dun. Bigla na lang nung paglingon ko, may Mini-melts!. Dito umiiral ang pagiging gayagaya ng pinoy, kasi ito yung sagot natin sa Dippin Dot's ng states. Same flavor, pero di kasing mahal! At biruin mo naman, may bubblegum at vanilla! Pagkatapos naming bumili, nagmadali na kami ni ate sa linya. Putcha,di pa rin tapos! So, enjoy muna, picture-picture sa kiddi rides. Nasita pa sila Aldrin ng attendant kasi may gustong gumamit na bata, pero nakasakay sila. Nung nakasakay na kami(at last!) ang sikip pala dun sa train! tapos magkatabi pa kami ni ate ruth sa likod, kasami namin sila aldrin, paolo, kenneth at rv. Di pa nagsisimula yung ride, naghihiyawan na kami, kaya nagtitinginan nanaman yung mga tao sa pila sa amin. Pag pasok namin sa tunnel, kun anoano yung mga design at props sa loob. Wala namang masyadong nakakatakot.....tapos biglang may humawak sa braso ko. Putangina, muntikan na akong maihi non sa takot wala! Sinigawan ko yung nakamaskara, then bigla na lang tumingin si ate ruth sa akin, kala daw niya nagbibiro lang ako, pero putcha, nagulat talaga ako! Ang malabo nga lang dun sa ride ay 3 beses kayo iikot. Nung una, nakakatakot talaga, Nung pangalawa, nakakagulat, pero nung huli...parang di na nakakaganang matakot pa... Just for fun, naghihiyaw pa kami sa labas, hehe. Sabi ni ate neng, uwian na daw, so bili muna kami ng pre-dinner snack. Bumili ako nung biggie na nachos sa nacho king with cheese and mushrooms(sarap ng mushrooms talaga....) 1/4 lang ata nakain ko kasi ang raming humingi! Nung pababa na kami from the 4th level parking, naghihiyawan pa rin kami!hehe...... good fun, although it's kinda stupid, but good fun nonetheless. Total na nagastos: 180 bucks lang! Now that's cheap!!!

Anyhoo nga pala, Happy Birthday sa pinsan kong si George Vincent Habacon, who turned 17 today! 29 days to go, ako naman!!!

Anyhooo.....

uh, tagal ko na palang walang sinusulat...hehehe So eto ako ngayon, before i go to the practice, makasingit ng post.

a lot has happened lately, good and bad. Got me a new friend, haha, name niya ay amy. Actually, dati ko pa siya kilala, pero hanggang acquanittance lang(tama kaya spelling?). hehe She's nice to "talk" to naman and we have some things in common. Yun nga lang DLSU fan siya at ako die-hard Blue Eagle, pero that doesn't mean much.haha. Sporty siya, as in sporty! varsity ata siya ng miriam or something,hehe. She like korean movies at tsaka yung Fullhouse na show(ano kaya nakikita nila don, besides sa pagiging cute ni jessie?) Todo ang chat namin hehe. Sinendan ko pa nga siya ng load para lang makapag reply siya eh! haha. Anyhoo, kailangan ko ng umalis, kinukulit na kasi ako ni sobs na pumunta ng practice eh. Bye na!!!!

Freaky.......(lumang CR sa Blue Eagle Gym)

Nakikita niyo ba yung muka?

Akala ko pa naman...

elo! eto nanaman ako, nagtatanong pa rin... Akala ko, i really liked giel, but now i realized na hindi na pala in the same way as before. It was probably just a crush fueled by infatuation, but with just enough genuine affection to make me really think about it. Dati pa akong nagdududa sa feelings ko, pero i kept pushing them away kasi i wanted the feeling to remain. I had become obsessed... haha. Pero now, i'm back into my self-searching, only with less self-angst(di ko na kailangan yon, di naman pala nakakatulong). I decided to once again ask myself, "Ano ba talaga gusto ko with my future?", meaning what do i really want in my love life? Right now, I have concluded na: 1.Yes, i really do like Giel, but not yet as anything closer than a friend. 2. Yes, i do want someone to give the immense love i have kept for all these years(nabigyan ko na yung iba). 3. No, i am not yet ready for a serious commitment but, 4. I do want to develop a better friendship with her, kasi so far i haven't been a good friend to her. So, in closing this entry, gusto ko munang sabihin na "I actually do love you Giel, but only as a friend. And I want to love you as i love all of my friends. Na realize ko lang yun ngayon. hehe.

"Know thyself"-Socrates

don't know why i wrote this...

a little something someting....

All I see is you,

staring at me.

With your loving gaze,

my bound heart flies free.

All I see is you,

I shed this heart of ice...

Deep inside i know,

You made me think twice....

sabog pa ako ngayon

lalalalalalalala(sabog pa ako)

Ayan may links na ko(babaw no?) thanks nga pala kay eugglords sa help sa blog!!!

I love watching sci-fi films (ingat kayo, malabo to. But read it anyway)

ang sayang mapanood uli yung "Equillibrium", nakakaalow kasi yung mga movies that pose the question "what if......?". "What if you could prevent the development of human emotion?"."What if you could take away emotional pain?". "What if the world was made safer by taking away the very essence of our humanity?". "What if by giving up freedom, you could be more free?". What if...

But what if because of this, you see that the world remains the same, the same conflicts, only different faces. The same radicalism, but for a different cause. The same longing for freedom... but the same opression. It made me think about the world in the earlier part of the century, when Afghanistan was still under Taliban rule, Iraq was still controlled by Saddam Hussein, etc, etc... This was the same story as was that of Equillibrium....

But alas, that's not what i wanted to talk about........labo no?

I want to write about love, like so many people out there who think they know so much about the subject of genuine affection for the other sex.....

Aaminin ko na, i don't know a lot about this subject, but for the past 16 years, I was pretty sure I did. I honestly thought I knew the difference between love and infatuation. Siguro nga, after 10 or so years, you begin to learn a lot more about yourself. Problema nga lang, i'm still in the dark about me. I'm still not sure about what i really want in life, i still don't know how i define love, i still showed signs of unease about myself. I sometimes even think my friends know more about me than i do! And believe me, it didn't get easier nung pumunta ako sa Ateneo. The students there will eat you alive, they will dissect you and will consider you worthless if your different from them! Kaya nga nakaka bad trip yung first year ko sa Ateneo(alam niyo na nangyari). Ever since, i built myself an invisible wall to keep me from getting hurt ever again. i didn't go to class outings, i spent as much time away from my classmates as possible , and i rarely participated in class. Ganun ka gago(note: "GAGO" in this sentence means "TANGINA NIYO LAHAT SANA MAMATAY NA KAYO AT ANG MGA MINAMAHAL NIYO SA BUHAY KASI DI KAYO KARAPAT DAPAT PANG MANATILI SA MUNDO!", gets? ok) yung mga kaklase ko, except for a few people.

Anyway, oras na para kalimutan yon...

The prom taught me a lot of things, if i may recall: 1. NEVER expect for everything to go smoothly, because if history has proven anything, it is that even the most well laid out plans will have clink, a miscalculation that will have a tremendously adverse effest on what you want for the outcome to be. 2. Never leave a place where your having a good time just to go to a place where you THINK you'll have a better time. Ok, i admit that the prom wasn't that great to begin with, but at least i should have waited long enough for the slow dance.(Giel really wanted to dance, Do'h!) 3. Always come prepared. I forgot to bring a gift, for goodness sake. Para tuloy akong ewan na mang mang sa prom(which i was). And don't forget a jacket. Ayaw mo namang ginawin yung prom date mo pag lumabas kayo. That's it, and i somehow managed to break all those rules. Obviuosly, Giel wasn't impressed. Isa nanamang suntok sa tiyan...

After the unFORGETTABLE prom experience, para atang na doble yung layer nung protective wall ko, beacuse let's face it, that was full of shit. I really liked Giel, but i kept thinking i was of no use. So for a couple of weeks, i beat myself up emotionally(i get my physical beatdown from practice, so there's no more sense in adding to that). I thought of every possible thing that I hated about myself and beat myself senseless on it. There's no need to go into too much detail. One day pa nga, i really cried( i have a tendency to cry when i'm really depressed) because i had a feeling that i was of no use to this world. It really hurts... parang sakit na mahirap ipaliwanag.

Then one day I got fed up, as in i really got fed up and sick and tired about beating myself up. I started changing myself. I started better sleeping habits. This wouldn't be possible without the help of Kuya Jess. Ang galing niya. There's this few instances na he would "intervene" like when on a saturday night(for all of you who don't know it's porn night on wowow), sumabog yung transformer ng tv namin sa labas, where i usually watch until 3 in the morning. The monday after that, sumabog yung tv namin because sinaksak ko sa 220(ok, fine, ako yung tanga dun) and i saw this wierd smelling smoke coming out of the tv. Thanks Kuya Jess! There's even this dream i got, which i won't tell because this is something way too personal, that showed me what the fruits of my labor would look like. Deep inside, I knew that this would help me be a better person. And yet, i still had this one last problem...

I told myself that i never wanted to be hurt ever again. So, the wall remained. i hardened it by reading books like Josh Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". This book wasn't supposed to serve that purpose. In fact, it told me to pursue relatioships that would be Godly and morally correct. To me, though, it was a sign that told me to shut myself away from the world, because the world was evil and decietful. I shut myself from others because i thought they would hurt my cause... Pre, it was one of the most ignorant mistakes i ever made...

Then i watched Equillibrium...

Shit pre, if i ever lived in a world like that, i would freak out. Walang emotions? di ko ata kaya yon. And yet there it lay, with the promise of no more wars, no more injustice, no more pain. All you had to give up was your ability to feel, to be happy, to grief, and to love. Was the promise of security that appealing? I guess not. It was okay to take risks because in reality, we always do play a game of chance. It's called life, and every choice you make eliminates an alternative path in it. Let's face it, we were born gamblers...

And here's my biggest gamble yet...

Giel, I don't know if you'll ever read this, I don't even know what your reaction will be. But I'm doing this because I want to eliminate the path in life that started if i never said this.

I like you, I seriously, absolutely like you.

This isn't another one of my stupid crushes because i can't do that to you. Not to you, a friend I've had for a long time, yet i never really paid attention to. I regret that a lot, I really do. If I could turn back the sands of time, i would fix everything i did wrong back then. But I can't turn back time, no one can. But i CAN live in the present, I CAN change what is happening now. And I CAN be different. I CAN be more mature. I could probably change a whole lot of other things if i wanted to. And i would. All my life I've been waiting for someone. I'm still not sure if it's you, or another girl, or someone 20 years from now. But what I DO know is that if i pass you up, if I don't take that risk, if I don't gamble everything I've got, I'll see myself 20 years from now pondering "What if I did try?..."

What if.........